Help! My boss is always asking me to stay late!

A nanny writes, "Help! My current boss is constantly asking if I can stay later each day. Most of the time, it is last minute. For instance, an hour before I'm scheduled to be off, she will text me and ask if I can stay two hours more to help out. I don't want to be rude or make it seem like I don't want to help out, but I also feel like I have to always say yes. A couple of weeks ago when she asked me to stay late, I said I couldn't because I already had dinner plans with a friend, and she seemed extremely irritated and was passive aggressive when she got home, so now I just say yes because I don't like the tension. It's now become almost like I must say yes, as if I don't even have the option any more. What should do I do?"
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 This situation sounds very tricky, but it is also extremely common. For whatever reason, your boss is coming to rely on your good graces more than you are comfortable with. It's clear your boss values your skill level, but it's not clear that they also respect your personal time and boundaries (but they really might!). This is likely because you haven't been able to clearly communicate what you expect. 

The responsibility for managing your boss' (or friends!, or family's, or children's!) expectations about your limits is solely on your shoulders.
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No one else will advocate for you, so make sure you do so, with some gentleness.

     
Here are some practical tips for dealing with this tricky situation:

1.  Before you respond, pause. How are you feeling in that moment? Frustrated? Irritated? Annoyed? Take a few breaths and think of your boss. They really trust you, and they probably like you! They rely on you. If you feel taken advantage of, it's likely that the balance is just off, and a calm conversation will help this situation.

2.  Now, put yourself in their shoes. Is there a reason they are asking continuously? Perhaps they are feeling stressed about doing the full nightly routine without your help. Maybe their work situation has become a lot more demanding or unpredictable. It could be that they think you want the extra money and think you are more flexible than you are leading on. 

3.   Next, consider yourself.  While it may be uncomfortable to be direct and address this, how will you be the "best you" if you aren't caring for your needs and making time for your desires and relationships, too? Are you respecting yourself and your personal boundaries by always saying yes?

When you have speculated their reasons and considered your own health (and you are in a calm state of mind), you are ready to have a serious talk. 

Ask for time and schedule a check-in meeting. Remember the "sandwich" rule. Positive words, meaty negative/challenging words, Positive words. Whatever you say to your boss, whether yes I can stay or no I cannot, follow that rule.  Affirm their need for care and express your understanding. Here is a sample conversation that may help guide you.

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Affirm the relationship: "I am so flattered that you want me to work more. We really have a great working relationship."

State your problem: "I've noticed lately that you've had to change the schedule a lot at the last minute and extend/change my hours.Truthfully, I am feeling a bit burnt out from my inability to reliably schedule my personal life. I am worried that in time, if I do not consistently tend to myself on my off time, I will not be able to bring my best self each day to your child."

Offer a suggestion:  "Is something temporarily happening at work? If it is long term, do we need to adjust my set schedule?" 
    OR  "If you need my flexibility, I'm happy to give it when I can, but in the past, I have been paid an on-call rate, where for every hour you reserve me, I am still paid something for my time."
     OR "If you need more hours from me, perhaps we can have a later start time/be paid my overtime rate/hire a second nanny and break the position up."

Restate your goals, firmly with kindness:  "Your kiddos deserve my best, and my work ethic is something I pride myself on. While it may put you in a tough position to not have longer coverage at the last moment, I cannot compromise on my commitment to caring for myself and being my best for your children, and so I can no longer reliably and consistently say yes. Your children, and I deserve nothing less than my best."

Affirm the relationship:  "You have always been respectful and kind to me, and I appreciate your understanding as I try to navigate the schedule expectations."

After you have had the tricky conversation and your flexibility is requested when you are unable to give it, I caution you to not share too much information about why you are saying no. This can lead to judgement and evaluation of your reason, and if your boss doesn't think it is a good reason, they may start to resent you, or worse, think you aren't a willing team player, even though you are flexible a high percentage of time. Remember that you do not need to share your personal life and personal reasons. Stick to script. "I wish I could help you out/You know how much I love working with your kiddos, but I am unable to extend my hours tonight. Thank you for offering more hours though/Thank you for asking!" ​

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Remember...

People treat you how you show them to.  Personally speaking, I once worked in a position where this continually happened, and instead of me being firm, I allowed my boss to reimburse me for tickets to events that I was forced to cancel by saying yes and letting them order my time (I do not recommend making this a habit, if at all!). Unfortunately, I didn't have to skills to exert boundaries and self-respect, and when I eventually got extremely burned out over the course of two years, I gave four weeks notice, which only ended up hurting the family, the children, and me.  Over those years, I didn't have to skills to show nor tell them how I needed to be treated... don't make that mistake!

Don't overshare.  Stick to the script: the details of why you are declining don't often matter, as you are opening yourself up to judgement and evaluation from your boss.

Value yourself as much as you value your work.  Learn from my mistakes!  Manage the expectations of those you interact with, and if they respect you, the relationship will thrive. If they don't, you will be much happier (and healthier!) moving on to greener pastures. ​

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